July 1999

Why golf sucks...

    Now that's a 90's-style title! Yeah! It has almost nothing to do with the actual content of this ramble, but it's controversial, and very open ended; why, it's got to be good, it got you to read it! :) Actually, I don't think golf sucks, although I'm not really into it, but over the weekend I caught a little bit of some golf tournaments. The part that caught my attention though was this contest by some beer company, which basically was this: You were selected by sending in bottle caps or some such nonsense, and got the opportunity to win the big prize. What was the big prize? One of the best and most thoughtful - cash, I think in the neighborhood of a couple of million, almost as good as Publishers Clearinghouse. So what did you get if you didn't win the millions? A roundtrip ticket to Germany, home of the beer manufacturer (it really didn't sound that thrilling when they talked about it, it was almost as if they were just giving you tickets, no hotel or anything - wow, what a great second prize).
    So what did you have to do to win all of that wonderful money? Why simply sink a 30-foot putt! Yeah, ok, sure... And as if that isn't already pretty unlikely for the non-professional golfer, he's trying to do it on one of the most difficult holes on the range... Downhill... While the wind is blowing, and I do mean blowing. So does he do it? NOT EVEN CLOSE! Not that I'm overly surprise, it would have been an impressive shot for a pro I think, but he did practice for almost a week, so that's almost as good, right?
    Here's the crux of my problem with this particular contest, which I think REALLY sucks... It's next to impossible to actually win, but even though I'm sure you'd realize this if you won the chance to try, you would still dream of how you could spend the money... You'd still hope that you'd pull it off somehow... And then when you don't, who do you have to blame but yourself? I mean, could you imagine how this guy felt when he missed the putt, and not by a little? It was probably the closest your average person is going to come to getting a couple million bucks, and here the opportunity just slipped through your fingers. That is REALLY a screwed up thing to do... I think they should just give the person the whole amount if he wins the initial drawing, or have a second prize that isn't such an extreme from the first prize (in value). I'm sure I can just imagine the beer company coming up with this contest; I'm sure they realized that the chances of someone winning were next to nothing, and that's great! Just imagine; get all the press of having a contest, without having to ever even give out any real prizes! C'mon, a trip to Germany? Sure, Germany's cool, but that's worth less than $1000 bucks for sure, and I don't know ANYONE who would take a trip to Germany over a million in cash. Oh well, corporate thoughtfulness at it's finest...

Would you like to appear on Jerry Springer?

    I'm not even sure why I'm putting a link to Jerry Springer here (check this out; they have a Jerry Springer screensaver! Wow! Just what I always wanted!), I mean, it's not like there is someone on this planet who doesn't know who he is, and what his show is about, right? But just because I'm such a thorough writer, I'll give you a brief overview of the show; it's your run of the mill talk show format, like Oprah or any of the others, with one distinct difference - it has the most off-the-wall guest's you'd ever have the misfortune to meet! Don't get me wrong, not all the guests are bad; there's usually one 'innocent' victim, who is blissfully unaware of what's going on, and another who's doing something that you wouldn't even imagine in your worst nightmares... Oh, like your girlfriend has been cheating on you, with another woman, who also happens to be your sister. That's run of the mill Jerry Springer, and brings me to the main point of this ramble - How on Earth do they get people to come on this show?!?
    Imagine this scenario, everything's going fine in your relationship with someone else, you both skip through the park and pick roses together. Then, out of the blue, you get a call from the Jerry Springer show, and they inform you that your girlfriend has a secret to tell you, and she wants to do it on the show. A reasonable request, right? NO! Maybe in the bizarro-universe, but not here! Here is what I would do if faced with this situation: Break up with the girl, move from the city you live in, and finally get a legal name-change. Why? Because allow me to let you in on a little secret, they don't tell 'good' secrets on the Jerry Springer show. I'd bet money you're not going to want to hear whatever it is, and in this case, I would say that it's probably a whole lot better to NOT know what was happening - otherwise you'll probably be left with some serious psychological issues. Just cut your losses and get out of Dodge.
    Now, I don't think that you need to be a rocket scientist to figure this out, yet people keep on coming on the show, and when Jerry tells them that their significant other is backstage, and has a secret to tell them, they are all smiles and think that it's not going to be a big deal. I guess ignorance truly is bliss, but with that in mind, the wiser coarse of active is to not go on the show...